Ok, Ok, enough already. Let’s take a break.

I am going to abstain from beating up on the Corona Monster for just a little bit and discuss a subject which will be “big news” very soon, that is, the politically incorrect holiday known as Christmas. Yes, yes, I know, that deadly, horrific, existential threat known as seasonal flu Covid is all we are supposed to talk about and everyone knows we are all going to die from it, but there are some Politically Incorrect Things which need to be addressed, especially at this time of year. Otherwise we might forget, ignore, or deliberately shove them aside in our Personally Selfish desire to be happy, generous, and loving toward those who are around us.

(If you’ve gotten this far, you probably recognize this as satire. If you don’t, you should. It is meant to be.)

Consider some of the ways in which we can no longer celebrate Christmas, oops, I mean X-mas. I thought about saying holidays, but that’s not good either, because it evolved from the phrase “holy days”, which is, God ACLU forbid, an expression of religion and we can’t have that.  Besides, the Grinch Gavin “Gruesome” Newsom has cancelled it, along with all his other cheer-killing, Nazi-imitating, self-ignoring Executive Orders.

• The song I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas gets a triple whammy. White is racist, Christ is verboten. Probably, any bad speller could also conclude that “mas” is Catholic and, therefore, religiously intolerant against other religions and, not only that, is culturally appropriated from the Spanish language which really ought to be spoken only by those who are native to it. No, no, White Christmas has three strikes against it before it even starts and, as everyone knows, three strikes means you’re out. No sense in even going to bat. Just sit down and shut up.

• Candy canes are to be abolished. Yes, candy canes. You see, they are shaped like the letter J, which, to the feverish minds of The Enlightened Ones, correlates to an endorsement of Christianity, since the word Jesus starts with a J. Not only that, they incorporate the colors red (blood) and white (purity) in them.

• Christmas trees have got to go! Christmas tree farms use up an excessive, inordinate amount of scarce resources, water, for instance. Ignorant people then cut them down, use them for a week or two, and either dump them in a landfill or burn them, contributing to global warming. Plastic trees are no better, since they require the use of oil and energy to create. Hey ho, hey ho, Christmas trees have got to go!

• Baby, it’s cold outside! Not only does this song, decades old and well beloved, communicate the hazards and reality of “date rape” by taking advantage of a woman’s confessed inability (Ooooohhhhh! The sexism!! The misogony!!!) to “Just Say No” and mean it, but it is also a refutation of the widespread belief in global warming. Looking through the lens of reality and logical deduction, though, at this time of year, it usually is cold outside.

• Rudolph, the movie (also decades old and well beloved) is dripping with masculine toxicity and encourages bullying.

• Santa Claus himself is an Old White Man. Any one of these attributes (deficiencies?) is enough to disqualify him. All three together…, perish the thought!! Plus, he gives naughty children lumps of coal, rewarding bad behavior with bad environmental practice. In addition, he forces his reindeer to fly during bad weather, making him a certified animal abuser. PETA, where are you?

• Speaking of coal, it seems that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Ebenezer Scrooge really ought to be saluted as a paragon of good environmental practice, since he was always demanding that Bob Cratchit reduce his use of coal and candles, preferring instead to live in the cold and dark. Bill Gates Scrooge also wanted to reduce the “excess population”, thereby creating a better world for the ones (especially himself) who were left. Scrooge for President! Or better yet, CEO of Microsoft. The only problem, though, is that Scrooge came to his senses, raised Cratchit’s wages, paid (voluntarily, out of his own pocket!!) for Tiny Tim’s medical treatment, and started financially supporting the slaughter of geese to be used for food by people. Where, oh, where is PETA? PETA? We need you.

• In like manner, the Grinch (not Gavin Newsom) should be likewise hoisted to a position of idol worship. Not only did he condemn the Who’s down in Whoville for their greedy, conspicuous consumerism, he attempted, in a manner consistent with his own philosophy, to force them to mend their ways by taking away all the good things they had accumulated to celebrate the holiday, I mean, X-mas. Must have been taking lessons from Anthony Fauci. By the way, doesn’t X-mas sound a lot like X-men, which should be enough to make it a sexist and anti-feminist term? In addition, the Grinch is green, which everyone knows is good, as opposed to white, which isn’t. But, in the end, the Grinch, like Scrooge before him, also repented of his sins and started celebrating Christmas, including carving up the “roast beast”. PETA, PETA, calling PETA!!! Where are you when you’re needed?

Covid!!! Where is it all going to end?

At any rate (and this is real), Merry Christmas to one and all! Enjoy yourselves and those who are with you. Without apologies to anyone.